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I woke up convinced the best thing for me to do was to call in sick. I didn’t have the energy to get out of the bed. I’ve been on a straight emotional rollercoaster for the past several months and it has drained my energy something cray. This weekend was hard. Yesterday’s replay of the weekend was a hard pill to swallow. To add injury to insult today is Valentine’s Day. *rolling my eyes* I couldn’t care less about this day one way or the other. But my disinterest to the overly celebrated day, coupled with my agonizing spirit turned my indifference into pure annoyance for all things red, white, pink and heart-shaped. I don’t wanna be that person but that’s just how life happened upon me today.

So back to waking up. Had to be at work at 9am. 7am alarm went off…I immediately hit the snooze button. Noticed I had a text message that read “Happy Valentines Day.” I thought, “ugh.” And then flashbacks of all things going wrong in my life. I stayed in the bed until 836. When I finally left the house, running my usual 15min behind schedule, I went to start my car but it wouldn’t start. The battery was dead. FUCK!!! So I proceeded to walk. 45min later after careful consideration I was convinced that I was going to write a post today eagerly telling all the people in the world who were geeked up about the day to go and f%#k themselves (*shrugs* I can’t help my thoughts y’all). It was a joke that made me giggle but I was kinda pretty serious about it. BUT THEN…

What-do-ya-know!!! People showed me love. Mad love! I couldn’t believe the gifts that I got from students, friends, strangers, and the man of my life, my Grandpa. Boxes of chocolates, candy, a balloon, a book, cards, flowers, and a ton of shot outs via txt msg (those were a bit annoying but what the hey), all waiting for me at work or people coming by to drop them off. Wow! Don’t get me wrong…the hype around the day is still hella stupid, but my dear friends are not. They helped me to be appreciative on this day of all the things that are right in my life. Thanks for the reminder #i<3mycommunity

Peace

WRITING OUT LOUD

An idea I saw online. I haven’t done a writing exercise in a minute. Hopefully this gets some shit out and will give my mind some much needed space to breath…

1. There should be a rule book. It wouldn’t be as fun though.
2. I hate you even more for making me hate you this deep. I question the rationality because I actually give a fuck but it’s easier not to so I made myself not give a fuck. So far it’s working out for me but the long term effects are probably severely damaging.
3. You are cruel and heartless but you’ll probably out live me…that’s not fair.
4. I’m determined not to let that happen.
5. I love playing dress up. I can’t wait til my shoes come in the mail.
6. Quoting Black movie/t.v. lines is one of my favorite things to do. Few people are funny enough to engage with me.
7. Yesterday my friend said I’m in the wrong line of work….that’s bullshit! I’m in the wrong TOWN to work.
8. Right???
9. You can’t have it all.
10. I have an eating disorder
11. Don’t tell me what the fuck to do…I’m smarter than you! I just do dumb shit.
12. People’s fake work voices make me sick…mines is the worst.
13. Why do you even care what I do or don’t do if it only impacts me anyway?
14. Really I don’t believe we only impact ourselves. And I’m lucky to have people in my life who care about me enough to tell me the truth (or their version of it anyway).
15. When you leave me my life will never be the same. On that day my tears will fall forever. I spend too much time thinking about that when, in actuality because I know that, I should be taking full advantage of the blessed “here and now” time that we have together. I don’t care if you never cook Christmas dinner again. I just want to be able to talk to you.
16. Still though, it’s kinda wack that you won’t cook Christmas dinner, just saying.
17. I hope this world doesn’t taint my niece’s brilliant spirit and smile.
18. She makes me want to become a mother. I’m afraid that I won’t.
19. When I was 19 I expected a whole other life for myself at this age than the one I have now. Even with all the shit I had been through at the age of 19 apparently I was still very naïve.
20. Wow, I just noticed that I was talking about my experiences at age 19 while I was on number 19! I wonder what it means when the world works like that???
21. I wonder what I could do if I worked at my full potential.
22. I need something
23. Sometimes “artist” can be condescending. We’re all artist! Nobody is better than anybody else. Besides, real artist (at least my definition of them), those who are truly transparent, aren’t typically those standing in front of you on the stage…they’re usually those standing next to you.
24. I always date men who have seemingly grasped that concept of social justice and strive towards it…then as soon as I get all geeked-up over them I discover they are the least compassionate muthafuckers I know. Ugh, fucking underserving pricks.
25. Maybe it’s me.
26. I know I’ll find you. I KNOW it.
27. I don’t think I’ll ever try Ethiopian food. Wish people would just get off my back about it, damn.
28. I cuss too much.
29. I’m the shit…there’s nobody out there as cool as me. I honestly believe that.
30. So why do I have low self-esteem?
31. I don’t know why you do what you do but thank you. I’ll keep trying just because you ask me to.
32. I could do better. I should do better. I will do better
33. Don’t try to psychoanalyze me. I’m just talking out loud. Besides, I know you wonder the same things about yourself.
34. Last night I was on the bathroom floor. After an hour or so I crawled to my bed and cried myself to sleep. This morning I stood up. Now I’m here. That says a lot. I’m stronger than I realize.
35. It might be me?
36. My sister, cousins, and I are hilarious together.
37. I should have listened to you when you told me you’ve done a lot of fucked up shit to people. In hindsight it didn’t sound like regret.
38. God loves me. He told me the other night on Pandora radio.
39. Dear Granny, Beeze, and anonymous…Thanks for sticking up for me that time.
40. Ok I’m over this.

A watched pot never boils. That’s what I heard once from a voice with certainty. And certainly they were right. Why, Blackberry? I just don’t understand why you do me like this. I thought we were cool. I’ve done nothing to you. As a matter of fact I try my best to take care of you. I keep you charged. I pay my bill on time so you can stay alive. Every time your screen gets greasy I wipe it off with my good fabrics. I try my hardest not to drop you. I haven’t the least bit of a desire to seek the attention of any of those other cockamamie so-called smart phones. To me you are great, but you make it hard to have your back, Blackberry.

Why are you such a tease?!?! You get a kick out of ringing and watching as I rush over to you. Tripping over boots, piles of clothes, bumping into the side table, and almost breaking my neck, just to reach you. Only to discover the number on the caller I.D. is not the number I hoped and prayed it to be … a bill collector no doubt. Perfect *using sarcasm with a smirk on my face* my life is fucking perfect! WHY, BLACKBERRY, WHY?!?! Why do you enjoy ringing, knowing that I’m looking for that special phone call. I hear you. I shift through my purse…you’re not there…I fold back the sheets on my bed…you’re not there.*ring tone keeps going* I drop to my knees, lift up the covers and check under the bed…I don’t see you. I turn my head in the other the direction and spot you lying on the floor besides my chair. I hurriedly crawl over to you. You’ve stopped ringing. I check the miss call. The number is familiar but it’s not him. It’s an old friend but it’s not him. A friend, who I have absolutely no desire to hear from at all…it’s not him.

I hate you blackberry. I hate everything about you. I hate your text message sound. Even more, I hate that everyone, everywhere seems to have the same text message sound on their phone as I do, that happens to go off no less than a million times whenever I am around. Is it my phone??? I press a button on the keypad…screen lights up but there is no yellow text message tag waiting for me. Besides, if it had of been my phone, it’d probably just be one of my ratchet ass friends telling me they won the lotto or some shit like that. They probably got a new love; someone who treats them with respect and dignity; someone who calls and text them on a dime. Maybe they got a new phone, perhaps an Iphone… 4…s. That not only delivers the number that they long to see come across the screen but one that also has the ability to pronounce the name out loud!!! ERRR, BLACKBERRY!!!! I’m telling you, you better get your shit together.

But you know Blackberry, to be honest my gripe is not with you. I’m sure you’re actually looking out for my best interest. That person whose name and number I want so badly to flash across my screen isn’t that special at all. Our past conversations are boring anyway. So who da fuck cares?! But it’s weird, Blackberry, becausee I care. I care a whole lot actually. I wish I didn’t. I don’t hate you, I just hate this weird space that I’m in.

MOVIN’ DOWN THE LINE

It’s been a bit of time. Actually, I’ve had much to say and a lot of emotions to try and turn into words. But the wheels of life just keep spinning and it doesn’t always seem to leave enough time for me to take the energy that I feel running through my soul and turn them into words, let alone abstract them from my head and put them on paper…or a blog.

My life is feeling some kinda way right now and I just couldn’t let this moment pass by without stopping and acknowledging it. And as I’m reflecting on the events of the past few days, processing them and taking deep breaths in between, I feel some anxious about a series of different things. I’ve officially seen leaves fall, my grandparents are out of town and I’ve made a drastic change from my everyday routine. I’m apprehensive to say whether or not the choices I made were right or wrong. At this point I just don’t know. And as I started to explore that more, I just decided that maybe it’s in my better interest to just accept the events as they are and not try to ascribe meaning to them right now. Hopefully it will come to me.

I think it’d be so easy to take these feelings of uncertainty and turn them into something negative. And I’ll be honest, it’s definitely been a challenge not to head down that road, and actually I’ve already made a couple of steps in that direction. But I’m good now. I’m making a conscious choice and effort to be happy and excited. Excited about, I don’t know, what lies ahead I guess. Because who knows, the choices that I made may or may not have been the right choices. Sure, there are things I would change, but since I can’t change them I’m not gonna dwell on them. Nor can I ignor that I’m having deep feelings of regret. I’m going to take them both in for what they are and I believe both are valuable. It’s hard but it’s cool. There may still be an out for me. Some good to come of all this. And even if the situation goes not as planned I still gotta make moves because guess what? Those same wheels of life are still spinning. So I’ll keep moving as well. There’s a lane for mistakes. What I am confidant about is that no matter what (setbacks and all) I’ll find my way.

I will make it home, I will find my purpose, and I will have quality people around me. And because of that, I will find you. It will be because I believe it to be. And that’s the energy I’m inviting in to my space today. Today I’m gonna walk the road less traveled. It’s raining out, so I have my jacket and hood on embracing it. I have a tune in mind that I’m humming while bopping my head and snapping my fingers. It’s a dreary day and the sun is not shining… my face will fill in though. Smiling to myself and enjoying the splashes of water that my feet make on their way home on a gray and damp evening…it’s a long walk…BUT I’ll get there.

Anyway this the song that is bumping in my head. Can you tell why?! Moved me right out of my funk. The music has a somewhat solemn feel to it, but at the same time it’s nothing less than cheerful. Love the video and title as well. Its themes of going home, embracing love, and just being able to exhale and relax after a long tour is exactly what I needed to see and hear today. I hope you dance to it. Huge shot out to Raphael Saadiq. Peace

I had the experience of a life time this past week. It was one of those nights that I wish I could press the rewind button on and experience it again and again at my leisure. I got to see Sade in concert! She’s f’n tight. Beautiful, poised, just all around friggin tight. Her music…awe her music. It’s sexy and filled with love and relatable experience. She has the type of command to just reset my spirits. Her music has helped me find a deep and sincere appreciation for life’s woes. On those days all I need is a Sade c.d, a bottle of wine, a hot bath, and some reflection time and I’m right back on point. Anyway, her encore was Cherish The Day…advice I am strongly heeding.

Dress- Urban Outfitters; Shoes- Aldo; Necklace- Forever21

The summer moved very fast and although technically speaking we still have a little over a month left the reality for me is that with students coming back to campus, classes starting soon, and the weather quickly changing summer really is coming to an end. For those reasons I appreciate end-of-the-summer activities with my girls even more!

DALLAS B-DAYS

Oreo Cookie Cupcakes from Society Bakery seen HERE!

This year I celebrated another blessed year with my best friend in Dallas. I drove all the way down from “the real D-Town” and despite being pulled over FOUR times, I have no regrets (going that is…driving is another story). On the day of my actual birthday, we hung out poolside and my girl grilled crablegs, shrimp, chicken and the most scrumptous yellow pepper bruschetta thingy-ma-jiggies. And she surprised me with cupcakes. So f’n good!

The next day we spent hanging out, shopping, eating, clubbing and doing what girls do best. I got a very cool pedicure design. You can see it Er’s twitpic here. For dinner we ate at the Fish Bone Grill and no your eyes are not deceiving you. Yes, that really is catfish, hush puppies, red beans and rice and some complimentary bread pudding.

You can tell by that weird look on my face that that we were up to no good that night. That was the plan anyways. It ended up being a harmless night out with my BFF. One of the funest and funniest that I’ve had in a while, thanks to Er and her lobster claws (inside joke). This girl is f’n amazing when she is tip. Can I just say that you know your homegirl is a ride-or-die friend when she goes on a scavenger hunt for you and gets cussed out by men with dirty south accents, who wear grey shirts and have goatees opps, my bad, GOLD TEETH (lmao) all in the name of finding YOU that special someone. *in my Rhianna voice* GANSTA FO’ LIFE!

P.S. Dear Challange, I haven’t forgot about you. I’ll be back soon. I promise.
Peace out

I always think “what if they hadn’t stepped up”

It’s a scary thought for me. And whenever it passes my mind I bow my head, tell Him thanks and then I try and do better.